Getting the Internet network up was far more difficult than I had
expected. Unfortunately, the ISP we were dealing with was utterly
incompetent, with very little understanding of how things were working,
or NOT working. But finally we were up sometime in December. It quickly
became obvious, however, that web-hosting was not going to be a
money-maker for us. Many large companies were already starting to offer
absolutely FREE web-hosting, with minimal advertising required. Hard to
compete with that. And considering Eve's problems, it was very obvious
to me how difficult it would be for Eve to hold any kind of real job.
Actually, I never expected the web-hosting to be profitable, so when Eve
gave up on it, I was unaffected.
I was completely supporting Eve, therefore, from early in our
relationship. Eve always hated herself for this, and I repeatedly had to
reassure her that I REALLY didn't mind. I made enough money for both of
us. I have always been a very content person, with few needs or wants. I
had far more money than what I knew what to do with! Far better if it
was used to make her happy, than waste away in an investment just making
MORE money that I didn't know what to do with. But me not caring about
it didn't change what she thought of herself for needing it.
Once Jade-Leaves was up and running, Eve went to work on her dream of
continuing her online journal, Dreaming Among Jade Clouds she called
it. And as things settled down, I learned more and more how her chemical
imbalance affected her. And for the next three years, not a day would
pass by without me worrying constantly about her.
One of the biggest things that affected Eve's daily life was her sleep
cycle, or lack of one. We often joked that her cycle was martian, for it
usually hovered around 36 hours. The real martian day I never looked up.
But in reality, I believe that she could form no rhythm. She just stayed
awake for as long as she could, and then crashed. Half the time, she
would sleep on the couch, or in her papasan, never bothering to come to
Eve just had horrible trouble falling asleep, and absolutely could NOT
stand it when she couldn't. So she didn't try. Eve stayed awake until
she could not stay awake any longer, then she would crash. When she had
a project in process, like a webpage for her journal, or a computer game
that she was in the middle of, she would work obsessively on it for 24,
or even 36 hours straight. I had to remind her constantly to eat, for she
always forgot. Her weight was always low, and it was a constant fight to
try to raise it.
And for all the work and time she could spend on her projects, she never
could devote time to the little things. With only a few exceptions, I
took care of the cats, and fish, and plants, and all the chores around
the house. Again, I never minded this. These little chores never take
much time. In many ways, I was a bachelor with a wife. The house, of
course, was far messier and disorganized than most would care for, but
neither of us cared. It was cozy. And we rarely had visitors.
And Eve's inability to force herself to do the little things was a major
part of her seeming to "disappear off radar". Emails and letters would
pile up on her desk(top), and she would torture herself daily that
TOMORROW she would respond to them. But she just couldn't do it. She
just kept pushing it off, and pushing it off. The right time just never
would come. This inability to respond to letters was often the focal
point of the breakdowns that she would have every few months. She was
convinced that she was just a horrible person, and I, of course, had no
trouble disputing that belief with endless tales of the good she was
often doing with her web-acquaintances. My arguments had frustratingly
But there was something clearly wrong. There is always a small
hesitation that I feel before starting any project. Is this a good time?
Would later be better? Do I have everything I need to complete it? Do I
feel up to it? Would I feel better doing it tomorrow than today? These
are normal considerations for everyone on any project. To not have these
thoughts would be very wrong. But for Eve, these thoughts were
debilitating. And in the 'Eve Habitat' that I created for her, she
always DID have time to do it tomorrow instead of today. She always
COULD push things off without messing up her schedule. And because of
her condition, she never did feel good about doing anything right away.
So she pushed things off, and pushed things off, until there was no point
in doing it anymore. Only the huge projects had the impact enough to
gain her attention, and then she would work obsessively at it until it
was completed, ignoring everything around her, including her own health.
But the first year of our marriage was her most outgoing and active, I
believe. And still, having her get out and be active was extremely rare.
Eve was very uncomfortable around people, and therefore had no wish to do
ANYTHING social. Just being in a mall, with so many people, so unnerved
her that we sometimes would walk around the enclosed mall in the cold
rather than stay warm walking through the crowded mall to get to the
other end. She wanted to stay home, and other than going out for dinner,
or going to a movie, or going shopping, she would never leave.
But she DID find a friend nearby that she met online. I was so happy to
see this. They had fun together for several weeks, but it came to an
abrupt end after only a couple months.
When it got warm, we finally decided to put Koi into the pool and give up
on ever swimming in it. Eve spent many days during the summer out on our patio,
reading. We have a very nice park behind our house, with a nature trail
and a pretty stream, but Eve never ventured back there ever. Eve was
afraid of ticks because there IS a problem with Lyme disease up here in
Wisconsin. This was sad though, since there are some very pretty areas
back there that she never saw.