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Some issues have been brought to my attention today which I feel I should deal with in here in case more than one person feels as they do about these things. And I'm going to talk about some things which have nothing to do with the letter I received, just so you know and don't jump to conclusions. It just seems to me that there's some things which need to be talked about, and a letter I received today has brought everything to a head for me. I'm a bit at a loss over where to start, really. I guess I'll just jump in with the awards since they seem to be the root of a lot of this. You've all noticed that I love awards and have received quite a few. Although I do receive quite a few of them just out of the blue, you have to understand that I apply for a lot of them.
Why do I apply for awards? Well, because I like them. But it also has to do with depression and self-confidence. When I'm depressed, I often apply for them to cheer myself up. I could be doing worse things, I think. I think applying for awards when one is down is on about the same level as eating a lot of chocolate. Maybe it's undignified. I don't know and I don't care. There are two kinds of dignity--dignity about things which matter to oneself, and "dignity" as in acting a certain way because of what others might think of one.
As far as self-confidence goes, I've always had problems with not having enough self-confidence, and it's something I continue to work on. Sometimes I'm quite proud of myself and very confident, mind you, but other times I feel terribly small. So I like awards for the reassurance the discerning ones give. I don't know how you guys perceive me. Do you see me as some kind of a show off? Do you not see my love of awards for what it is--a mixture of childlike pleasure and sometimes much needed reassurance? If you think less of me for having low self-confidence sometimes, that's not my problem. My problem is to just continue working on raising my self-confidence. But you should know that I am not a braggart. I don't put my awards in my entries to show off--hell, I know that it's "undignified", damn it! I put them in for me, like a scrapbook. I even make fun of myself as I do it.
But the really interesting thing is the timing. Not counting the awards which arrive out of the blue, you should know that seeing a bunch of them appear means I've been depressed again--at least for long enough to fill out a few forms. What I hadn't realized was how the timing might look to others. I've been told that my past entries are very sensitive and that that stopped about the time I started receiving awards. The conclusion drawn was that I no longer cared about the journal--only about winning awards. This doesn't make much sense to me, because if I was doing stuff with my webpages to win awards, surely I'd try to write better entries rather than worse ones. The fact of the matter is that all I do to try to win awards is fill out the application forms. If my entries have become less sensitive or not as "good" as before or whatever, you should know that the real reason is that my entries are dependent on my moods. And for a long time I've been dealing with mild depression and some feelings of burn-out. I could make an effort to write "good" entries even when I'm just feeling like a lump, but I won't. Damn it all, this is an honest journal, for me. True, if my entries have been "bad", I hope my mood will improve and my entries along with it. Although sometimes I might be in a perfectly good mood and either be feeling burnt-out or lazy. Don't make the mistake of worrying about me based on what I write.
But I'm not going to turn this journal into something it's not. If I'm down or burnt-out, or uninspired, or obsessed with the computer, I will write shallow entries about my day, what I'm reading or doing on the computer--whatever. I'm not going to make an effort to impress anyone. Sure, I hope some of the things I do will impress some, but I'm not going to stop just being myself to try to do that. But you'd all better get one thing straight. If I'm acting like a lump in here, it's not because I don't care or because of awards--it's because I am a lump. I'm human. Sometimes I may shine, but other times I will be a lump. I'm truly sorry if my awards have made people jealous. But all you have to do to get a bunch for your own hard work is go out and apply for them like I did. If you think I'm getting a lot of attention, think again. Awards are not attention. They're trinkets given out by people who in most cases will never return. Make fun of me, if you will, for hugging my trinkets tightly to my chest when I'm feeling small, but do not be jealous. And don't expect me to be more than I am. I'm not so great that "sensitive" entries will come from me regularly. I'm just like you. I'm fallible and vulnerable and often quite dull. But, crud--it's not on purpose!
Ok, now that I've covered some issues, I've opened up a whole new can of worms. The issue, I think, of my feelings of depression and burn-out and why I haven't been going on and on about them. I have mentioned them before. I just haven't made a big deal out of it because, well, it just didn't occur to me to make a big deal of it. And because I tend to internalize things. I tend to make a big fuss over small things and just grit my teeth over the big things for the most part. And also, I think it's important to note that I also have a lot of happiness, which is what stands out most for me.
I have a neurotransmitter imbalance. I'm mostly well now. When it was bad, it caused severe, crippling, suicidal depression. (It did not cause anything "crazy", however.) You should know that I lost three years of my life to this and that I've only been functioning "normally" for about a year and a half since then. You should know that my problem was serious enough that I did not expect to be alive today, that I didn't expect to see my 25th birthday. I'll turn 27 this year. I'm much better now, and I have an incredible attitude from having been though this. I have that attitude not because I'm such a good or whatever person, but because I have to. And I tell you now that I still have mild problems sometimes from my neurotransmitter imbalance. Nothing bad enough to need to go back on meds, but enough to still need my good attitude.
Not just attitude, but how I deal with things. When I'm down, I concentrate on good things as much as I can. I'm good to myself. I keep myself involved in projects on the computer which give me pleasure and a sense of accomplishment, I read a lot, I baby myself. And it's working. See...look...I'm still here. And I've been finding happiness greater than I've ever known before. But I also get down, and I get to feeling burnt out. And I focus on the good things. Focusing on my depression doesn't make sense as it is usually caused by my brain chemistry. Not much to work through there--it would be like trying to talk allergies into going away. With allergies, one takes Sinutab or whatever one prefers to do, but one doesn't try to understand it away (although one might try some mind-control techniques, but that's neither here nor there). With my depression, when it's caused by just chemistry, I treat it by doing stuff that will cheer me up because writing about it won't work out some angst causing it. When there is angst causing it, then I may write about it.
My depression is mild now, and chronic. It occurs to me to write about it about as much as it occurs to me to write about my chronic back and neck pain. I don't mean to lock anyone out by not talking about it. It's just not all that big of a deal. But it does affect me. And burn out--I guess that's a combination of depression and working so hard and long on stuff. It will come and go. Can you understand that it just doesn't occur to me to make long and detailed explanations of why I'm just as human as you are?
Please realize that my awards are not things to be jealous of. It's like my wedding ring. I love it and my mom thought it was this big massive deal, but it cost about the same or less than the average wedding band. It's a big, gaudy wedding-cake of a ring (not shaped like one, just makes me think of one since it's so big). It has three big synthetic rubies. I love it because it's beautiful and reminds me of jewelry I looked longingly at as a little girl. But it wasn't expensive. It's not anything to be jealous of; my awards are not anything to be jealous of. Look past the surface. I'm not saying that I might not have something you envy, and that you might not have something I envy. But the awards--they are no big deal.
I hope you aren't all feeling these things and thinking that stuff about me. Damn. It's always been my intention to inspire and encourage, not to make people feel small. And if I sounded angry or preachy or whatever today, it probably wasn't aimed at you, so please don't mind it. I'm angry and hurt and frustrated and upset that anyone could think so little of me. And I'm extremely upset at the idea that I may have made others feel small. And, honestly, I feel that I've been accused, today and in the past, of some real nonsense. When in doubt, ask. Please.
Lisa Send me a photo for the pond album if you'd like to be included.
re-reading An Owl Too Many and Something in the Water by Charlotte MacLeod
A little fishpond, just over two feet square, and not terribly deep. A pair of goldfish swim in it as freely as if in a lake. Like bones of mountains among icy autumn clouds tiny stalagmites pierce the rippling surface. For the fish, it is a question of being alive-- they don't worry about the depth of the water. --Yuan Hung-tao
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